Finally Ready to Post

I know I have been MIA, again, but there has been so much going on that I just haven't known what to say.  But I am back and ready to share with all of you again. This is actually the 2nd time I am writing this post.  I started the first and then stopped. I am ready now to get back

Let's start with why I disappeared in the first place.  As most know by now, we found out we were pregnant on February 3rd.  We were both very excited about the addition to our family.  When we went in for the 9 week check up, we learned that our baby was measuring small and they couldn't find the heartbeat.  After a 2nd opinion it was confirmed that the baby stopped growing somewhere between 6 and 7 weeks. I ended up having to get a D & C on March 21st, as I am sure you can imagine this was a very tough process for us.

So where have I been this entire time?  Well, I have been trying to find my motivation again.  To be open and honest with all of you (if anyone reads this) I went on a cupcake binge.  My co-workers and friends know how much I love cupcakes and I received and bought many.  I was going to Train Insane, but I wasn't giving it the usual 100% effort.

I wouldn't say I was depressed, but I felt like a piece of me was missing.  For the first two weeks after the procedure, I would wake up every morning and have to re-remind myself I wasn't pregnant anymore.  I realized how much I really wanted our baby and connected with it so quickly that I felt empty now that I wasn't pregnant anymore.  I had complained the first 9 weeks about being pregnant and falling behind in class and not lifting as heavy as I usually did and now all I wished for was to pregnant again.  Going through this really put me through a mind screw. I just didn't feel the same passion for being healthy and working out.

A few weeks went by and I knew I had to snap out of it.  We were going to try again, I knew I would have my baby.  It just meant that I wasn't meant to have that baby.  Who knows why it wasn't strong enough, but it wasn't.  Eating cupcakes and working out half ass wasn't going to change the past and it wasn't going to prepare me to get pregnant again. I had an amazing support system with friends and family and I wouldn't of gotten through all it without them, but at this point it was all on me.  I am stronger than I was acting. Although I really never cried through the whole process, it wasn't easy.  I ended up having a talk with my Coach about how I just wasn't myself.  He brought up the fact that I seemed disconnected and just not the same in the gym.  I was finally honest about losing my motivation and dedication and he said he understood.  I think just putting it out there and telling him where I was coming from helped.  I explained to him that I no longer felt the same, I had been so used to being part of a certain group in the gym and I just didn't feel like I was there anymore.  I had lost my place.

After that conversation it all changed.  I got back on my food plan (for the most part) and started really focusing in the gym.  There was a newer gym member one morning who told me that she always watched me in class and that I was really strong, I don't know why, but this really meant a lot to me.  I look up to so many people at my gym that I forget there might be someone watching me.  I didn't want to set a bad example when I knew that wasn't the person I was.

My new goal?  Get pregnant again and stay as healthy as possible during my pregnancy.  I still want to be at the gym 4-5 days a week, I still want to eat healthy throughout my pregnancy(although I lost 10 pounds last time). I want to be the person that people look up to for being healthy and fit during their pregnancy.  However, this time, I will make sure I am cautious and don't over analyze anything.  I don't want to be too critical when I slow down in metcons, I will be proud that I am still waking up at 5:15 each morning and getting my butt to the gym.  I would love to have a photo shoot done during my pregnancy that shows my fit prego body and then have one done after the baby is born to show you can have a rocking body after a baby. There are so many hot moms at Train Insane, that is the new group that I hope to fit into in the future.

I have learned from this heartbreaking experience.  I was not alone and that helped a lot.  There have been so many other wonderful and strong women who have gone through losing a baby and they recovered.  I know I am strong and I will get there, but until then, I have put down the cupcakes and I am focused on lifting heavy shit!!! LOL, or at least heavy for me.

As always, thank you for reading my ramblings.  It is about time I got back on here, it keeps me accountable and honest not just with you but with myself.